News From 2025 Presidential Election

By Ramanee Goonewardene –

Polling started at midnight. 

The first vote was cast by the President at the polling station next to his ancestral home in the newly consecrated capital city of our great motherland.

The President arrived at the polling station at the auspicious time of 11.11 pm. On his arrival, he was greeted by the members of the National Election Commission, the National Astrological Commission, the National Collective of Professionals in Divine Arts, the commanders of the tri-forces and the inspector-general of the police. Religious leaders of all faiths also graced the occasion. Saffron robes and red hats mixed with god-men in skull necklaces and officials in ties. 

A group of students representing all communities sang the new national anthem, Hail Our Hero who labours for the Motherland.

A simple ceremony to invoke blessings on the President and our motherland followed. The ceremony was symbolic of the President’s 2019 promise to marry tradition with technology. Piety and excitement filled the air as religious leaders chanted and prayed and practitioners of Divine Arts invoked charms against the enemies of our motherland. Holographic technology was used to beam it to every corner of the island, every polling station and home. 

The ceremony ended at 11.54 pm. 

The Chairman of the National Astrologers Commission presented a lotus bud handcrafted in gold to the President at 11.56 pm.

The chairman of the National Election Commission presented the ballot paper to the President at 11.58 pm.

The President cast his vote at midnight.

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The National Astrological Commission had proclaimed 50 to be the optimum number of candidates for the 2025 President Election. 53 candidates indicated their intention of entering the fray by paying deposits. 

Two candidates were arrested on charges of aiding terrorism as they emerged from the Election Commission Office after paying their deposits. One died in a road accident the same night. 

Fifty candidates handed over nominations.

Forty nine candidates issued a public appeal begging the President to allow them to use their candidacy to strengthen his hands.

The President gave his contest with his usual graciousness.

The President introduced several novel methods of campaigning. In the 2019 election, he had invited voters to have tea with him. During this campaign, he took the concept further. The new practices included At Home with the President, Sing-along with the President, and An evening elephants, sharks and a Swiss dog. Lucky participants were picked via lotteries. 

No incidents of violence or violations were reported during the campaign. 

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All observers agreed that the 2025 Presidential election was the most peaceful in the history of our resplendent isle, which is also the wonder of the world. A carnival atmosphere prevailed throughout the polling hours which ended at 10.23 am the following day. The times were set by the National Election Commission as per the decrees of the National Astrological Commission. 

People waited in patient lines outside polling stations across the country until voting commenced. Members of the Gods-Men Brigades, and undergraduate students of the National University of Divine Arts attended to the physical and spiritual needs of the voters, providing them with comfort foods and warm beverages, amulets, talismans, and fortune-telling, all free.  

In accordance with the President’s commitment to transparency, voting was done in the open. “Voting is the greatest democratic right and patriotic duty of a citizen,” the President has declared after he added the Democracy dies in darkness clause to the Constitution which mandated open and compulsory voting. “It is not an act of shame to be done in secret, hidden from all eyes but those of the voter. It should be performed with pride and openness.” 

In 2024, the parliament unanimously approved a law that added voting to the Patriotic Credit System introduced by the President in 2022. The law decreed that those who failed to cast their votes be declared as non-citizens and denied the right to higher education, government employment, public transportation, home ownership, bank loans, as well as the use of social media. 

The expanded National Security Council (which now includes the Astrologer National and Exorcist National) had ensured that all polling stations were provided with face-identification technology. Members of the Gods-Men Brigade paid courtesy calls on all homes and encouraged voters to perform their patriotic and democratic duty on the day of the election.

The Election proved the popularity of the new voting method. Voter after voter held up marked polling cards to the cameras with pride. Many voters had to be politely discouraged from reciting poems and making speeches in praise of the President.

Soon after the polling closed at the auspicious hour, the Election Commission announced that every single registered voter had voted.

The first result was announced two hours after the polls closed. The final result came six hours later. 16,951,045 had cast their votes. Of that 17,189,250 had voted for the president. There were no spoilt votes. 

Members of the National Election Commission presented the results to the President as he was about to name the elliptical highway circling our island nation after his elder brother, the late Universal Leader. Participating in this solemn ceremony were religious leaders, the members of the Astrological Commission, members of the Collective of Divine Arts Professionals, members of the upper judiciary, tri-forces commanders and the IGP, heads of all media institutions, heads of all professional associations and other dignitaries.

The President celebrated his victory by laying wreaths at the gold-and-marble tombs of his three brothers and his three nephews. He also granted a full amnesty to all those imprisoned on charges of terrorism in the aftermath of the evil uprising jointly conducted by red terrorists, blue terrorists, green terrorists, religious terrorists, racist terrorists, military terrorists, bureaucratic terrorists, judicial terrorists, media terrorists, student terrorists, slum-dwelling terrorists and others. 

The released prisoners were brought to meet the president at their own request in 15,201 buses. After a meal consisting of traditional sweetmeats and tea, he advised them to forget the past, and ask the future. 

They hailed this sage advice in one voice, before proceeding to take the Oath of Loyalty to the President of our Democratic Socialist Republic.